Nate writes

I've always known I was a bit on the strange side, not in a way that made people want to avoid me but more in a way made them want to be around me, fitting in has never been an issue for me not that I'm popular or anything I'm just very hard not to notice and even harder to hate. I'm not the type to go looking for attention either, in fact I rather like my privacy. Today I received yet another reminder of the kind of thoughts that set me apart from the rest.

The day began like any other day, I got up at about 9:30 in the morning, I made breakfast, eggs, bacon, toast, and a glass of milk, "I don't drink coffee" and started the day with my mother nagging me about going out to look for a job today for some reason entirely unknown to me whenever my mother tells to do something I always think to myself " yeah that's not going to happen" which is strange because as a twenty plus year old male I like to think my rebellious day are behind me. Next I took a shower and got dressed ready for my day to begin.

Naturally I went back down stairs started up my PS3 and started my day with some dragon age II, at about 3:30 my roommate go up, " he works the night shift at a convince store so this is the norm for him." He tells me he is going to need me to follow him to the garage later he is having his brakes fixed, I agreed. "Yeah a reason to wear pants".

About a half hour later we were outside and ready to go, his car was behind mine so he pulled out first, immediately I noticed a noise, so I pulled over about 1 street corner, over I had a flat tire, my roommate stopped a few houses ahead of me. Laughing he says " What did you do?" funny I was just thinking the same thing, he had used my car the night before to get to work, and this hadn't been the first time he returned it in less than perfect condition. He would never admit it but the man drives like a crazed maniac, it had to no surprise this winter when he showed up at the house this winter begging to barrow a credit card to pay the tow truck that pulled him out of a ditch this winter.

After pulling the spare out of my trunk we notice the valve was missing so we threw it into the back of his car, the irony of getting into a car with a crazed maniac with no brakes completely escaped me, do to my inability to formulate any other thought other than, "I'm going to murder this man."

For some reason he came in with me to get the keys to my mother’s van, yelling about how I got a flat tire, I may have yelled something about driving that car over a bridge, "leaving the with him in the trunk part out." as I reach for her keys on the rack my mother popped a fuse, and starts babbling on about how she has to do everything around here, "BITCH BITCH NAG NAG." I took her keys, got into her van, making sure she could hear the burn out as I pulled out of the drive way.

We dropped his car off, had a new valve and some air put into my spare, went back to change my tire, drove back home, and went in to get yelled at some more. About how even thought she did nothing, my mother had to pay for the gas that I used to drive her van the hole ten min it took to get to the garage and back, but as always my mother has a gift for making me feel bad, by making the days situation all about her, because I'm a no good jobless loser, who can't afford to get a new tire installed onto his car, which is crazy, because its late march and I'll be having my summer tires installed soon anyway.

I went down stairs, and into my bed room and locked the door behind me, with every intention of avoiding all human contact, for the next few hours, avoiding the yelling my small world has to offer to me. I took out a book and spent the next two hours reading a book, "for those interested I'm reading The Girl Who Played with Fire, by Stieg Larsson." Eventually I decided I couldn't read anymore. so I reached for my guitar, which I now realize was a mistake, because I seem to do some of my more dramatic thinking when I play.

I thought about the day’s events, my roommate’s reaction, which annoyed me more than ever now. my mother’s which made me think that maybe if I wasn't around she wouldn't have so much on her plate. "My brain brought up a strange picture of me turning around on a dock on the eastern seaboard thinking in the voice of Tom Hanks, that I guess I might just keep on running. So I thought, oh maybe I should put an end to it, I knew where I could get a gun, such things had crossed my mind in the past, but not like this.

You see I've always thought of suicide as a selfish thing. Something a person did to escape the hard ships of everyday life, a thought that came out in my late teen years when my now X step father had made an attempt. I'd always thought of the negatives, the feelings of your loved ones, the helpless daughter my step father would have left behind. I had never thought it might make someone else life better.

Than finally I thought about myself, if I was going to be selfless perhaps I should be selfish first, I thought Contaminate, you’re a lot of things your definitely selfish, you can be an angry person, you’re a little weak for a man your size, I lie some times, so I guess that makes me a liar, I'm a little more than chubby, I'm not exactly the brightest bulb on the chandelier, but contam are you a coward?